Does Anything Work the Way it is Supposed To?

Mama Dawg has provided a reminder that the world rarely works as designed. Her high-tech popcorn system demonstrates that even those functions that should be simple for a machine ofter require human intervention. Dogs & Jeans has compiled the following list of devices and processes that only work when somebody gets involved:

1. Microwave Popcorn: The One-Touch 'Popcorn' button, leaves at least 25% of the kernels unpopped. Pressing One-Touch a second time just burns everything. For best results I kneed the bag first to spread out the kernels locked within the think layer of buttery goodness. Then press the One-Touch button but only until the first kernel pops. Then you have to cancel the function and press 'Popcorn' for a second time.


2. Internet Password Automatic Logons: Living 'on-line' seems simple enough: shopping, banking, blogging communicating with old friends on facebook. Simple until you realize that every site you access requires a user name and password. No problem.; your browser will automatically remember those for you. Until the day all your personal info is erased. Good luck trying to remember to use "PonTiac255" with "CuteGirl1981" when you try to access your PeoriaSavingsandloans.com. The solution is to write down all your logons and passwords that you keep in a notebook right by your computer and to hell with security.
3. DVD's: DVD's were first marketed as the permanent format for movies that would never wear out like VHS tapes. i suppose this is true if you live in a dust-free, sanitized, childfree, OCD world where disks always find there way back to their case. If you are normal, fingerprints, scuffs, boogers, cat hair and pizza sauce commonly cause Adam Sandler to pixilate and stop 20 minutes into "Happy Gilmore". Sure a DVD does not need to be rewound, but before you play them, a good wipe with well spit-on tissue is required (and the occasional rub on a clean T-shirt half way through).
4. Butter Churns: Don't get me started on %$#*'ing butter churns. Mine is always on the fritz.

What technological marvels have you improved?

Detroit Lends a Hand. Disabled Homeless Person Wants it Back.

CEO's for The Big Three Automakers came to Washington today to ask Congress for a financial bailout. Apparently the recent economic crisis has hurt car sales so much, they need an immediate cash injection to stay afloat. As a demonstration of their commitment to fiscal restraint, the three men arrived in three separate private jets.

These guys are patriots! Through their actions, not only have they increased the demand on jet fuel further ensuring the jobs of American jet fuel workers, but they freed up three seats for regular folks on the airlines.

Fresh off yesterday's controversial posting, Dogs & Jeans offers, as a Public Service, this listing of other ways the auto executives will be cutting back while still stimulating the American economy:

• Replacing china and cutlery after every meal will reduce water consumption from dishwashers.
• 2011 cars to be powered by the globe's most renewable resource: pigeon eggs.
• Winter mansions to be relocated closer to summer mansions to reduce vacation commutes. Spring and fall mansions to be moved to Europe where everything is in litres. That has to be less right?
  
• To save on heating fuels, home furnaces to be retrofitted to burn fur coats.
• The same technology that keeps Dick Cheney's heart beating will be used to increase car engine efficiency by 200%.
  
• Federal regulations will require everyone to wear wool caps at all times so we can keep the thermostats lower.

5:00 PM Update: Dogs & Jeans just went over the 5000 visitor mark. Thanks everyone! A round of "Butter Me Up Scotty's" on the house.

Tuesday's Controversy

Today might be The Day folks. We are closing in on 5000 unique visitors to the Dogs & Jeans' Cornucopia of Balderdash. So to really drive Bloggy Interest I am presenting a topic so controversial, it will push The Financial Crisis, The Hunt for Bin Laden and the Second Anniversary of Tom & Katie off off the front pages. I'm talking about Pudding.

I love pudding. It is a very underrated desert food. So many flavours, smooth and creamy, not too sweat and always satisfying. Often cheesecake or pumpkin pie it too much after a meal but, despite Jello's claim of ownership, pudding it the only desert there truly is room for. Always.

My favorite is Butterscotch. This works well for me because most people prefer Chocolate, so there is usually plenty of Butterscotch left for me.

Rice Pudding is okay on occasion, but it is more the Joe Mantegna of the pudding world.

I will stay out of the whole 'Custard: Pudding or Not' debate for the sake of the children, except to say that Tapioca is not pudding.

Care to weigh in on your position on pudding?

5000 Blog Readers Can't Be Wrong

Some time this week (if I were a betting man, I'd put money on Tuesday), Dogs and Jeans will receive it's 5000th visitor. In the world of smart-aleck jackassery, that's pretty good. I hope everyone had a good laugh 9even if it was at my expense most of the time).



In what appears to be an early gift, The Queen In Residence has given me a blog award. I don't understand the title since it's in in Spanish, but just like Penelope Cruz, it's pretty to look at, so that's okay. And it's been a while since I have had my literary ego stroked in such a way so thank you Resident Queen.

Now I have the enviable task of selecting 8 people to receive this award. So as always here are the rules:

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

So in no particular order here are my eight:

1. Mama Dawg of Two Dogs Running South. Her blog is the straight goods and never shies away from shining the flashlight on damp, mossy, dark parts of her life. She is the cybernetic wind inter my virtual wings.

2. Jaina at Looking Through the Lens. As though she was emulating another young woman trying to make it on her own, Jaina can "take a a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile." Plus she could use some more visitors. And I'm betting an apartment make-over by IKEA.

3. Only a Movie. Random. Lists. Fun.

4. Cocette from Suburban Musings. Just when you thought being grown up, married and with your own home would get dull, she snaps your head back like a jab from Leon Spinks.

5. A Free Man. An Auburn Tiger in Australia. Weird.

6. Hot Tub Lizzie. For crying out loud, the woman ran for President just so the Blogosphere would have representation. That sort of commitment needs some type of accolade.

7. Jennifer at that Goat Blogging Minnesota/Texas Whatsis. Most of the time I can't figure out if it's Jennifer or Sandi (or a goat named Raul) and they are in Texas or Minnesota, but I like it anyway.

8. Sassy Stephanie at Our Piece of Quiet. There's kids and cancer treatment and dogs and messes and vampires and all the rest of life goin' on y'all.

So pick up your awards, visit all these friends and pass it on.

Another installment of The Guy Movie Guide is on it's way.

Nebraska - The Eat Your Vegetables State

Nebraska's Safe Haven law allowing parents to abandon children at local hospitals free from legal reprisals has resulted in an unexpected deluge of teens being "dropped off." Many parents have been unable to resist the urge to make their teen’s “someone else’s problem” when they have gotten an unauthorized piercing or stayed at their boyfriend Dylan’s after swearing they were at Shelly’s house.
Across America the expression “we’re sending you to military school” has been replaced by “ We’re driving to Omaha”. Until Nebraska legislators can amend the law to put in place an age restriction, they are launching a PR campaign designed to discourage people from leaving their teenagers all over the state.
Dogs & Jeans has uncovered several of the many rejected slogans:

• Nebraska – The Birthplace of Arbour Day, not your damn kid!
• Gravel roads, skateboards and a lack of helmet laws don’t mix.
• Nebrersaka – Like Saskatchewan Only Duller
• Johnny Carson was from Nebresaka and now he’s dead. Is that what you want for your child?
• The “One out of Five” dentist who doesn’t recommend Dentyne for his patients who chew gum lives here.
• Believe us, you don’t want to know what a CornHusker really is.
• We’re the 38th most populous state in the union and it’s going to stay that way, dagnabbit!

Note: Episode 5 of the Guy Movie Guide to Business Success has now been posted.

After several days of heavy rains, the skies cleared. When my morning drive to work looks like this:

It does make a fellow appreciative of all he has:

• My three kids are wonderful young people with the potential to change their worlds
• My dogs love me for the person they think I am
• I get to laugh at myself at least once an hour every day. Often someone else is laughing too.
• I have lived in some terrific places, met interesting people and been fortunate to never go without.
• Hockey, baseball and football overlap enough so there is always something on TV to waste my time.
• The music I like is still considered "Classic Rock" and not yet relegated to "Easy Listening".
• While I rarely understand my job, I work with some very smart people who explain it to me slowly using very small words.
• I am still mobile enough to exercise sufficiently to have that second beer.
• My Bloggy friends think I am interesting enough to comment regularly.

Enough sap. Back to the satire tomorrow.

The Razor’s Edge Between Fame and Infamy

Reports continue to swirl that Sarah Palin will consider a Republican bid for the presidency herself in 2012. Of course her difficulty will be remaining relevant over the next four years without becoming a media whore. She needs to be in the Public Eye, but in a positive way. This is a tough call, especially when every huckster with a hair-brained cause or backwater event will be lining up to get her on board. It is a very slippery slope between grabbing the spotlight with dignity and being an organ grinder’s monkey doing anything for attention.
Rudy Giuliani has managed to do it, as has Joey Buttafucco, but for vastly different reasons.
In the spirit of non-partisan support, Dogs & Jeans offers this the helpful list to Gov. Palin to ensure she makes the right choices when approached:
Good TV: Weekly addresses as Alaska Governor
Bad TV: Weekly meetings for recovering Baked Alaska addicts

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Good TV: National Cadillac spokes person

Bad TV: Regional Mattress Outlet spokes model

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Good TV: Throwing out first pitch at the World Series

Bad TV: Throwing up after too many pitchers on 25 cent Wasilla Wings Night.

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Good TV: Center Square during special “Great Americans Week”

Bad TV: Lead story on Entertainment Tonight’s Hollywood Sex Scandals on Hollywood Squares

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Good TV: Congratulating the 2009 Iditarod Champion

Bad TV: Congratulating Michael Vick for successful 2009 parole hearing

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Good TV: Building homes with Katrina Relief

Bad TV: Endorsing former FEMA director Mike (Brownie) Brown for Government Manager of the Decade

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Good TV: Cheering for the Washington Capitols during the NHL finals

Bad TV: Growing a playoff beard during NHL finals